Independence

I've been meaning to blog about this for some time now, but having moved and gone back to school my life has been a bit crazy!!

I read an article a couple weeks ago written by a mom defending why she was sleeping in a crib with her baby. The picture has gone viral! Apparently she went to an orphanage and the children were silent. She asked about why they were and the lady said it only takes a few days of them crying in their crib to learn that no one is going to come for them. The mother, because of this experience vowed that she would always come when her baby cries.

This incredibly moving story certainly makes it seem that the only right thing to do is to be there when a baby cries. 

However, I have been getting quite ready to help my baby sleep on her own, which in her case means letting her cry. I feel like she is capable of learning to be more independent: fall asleep on her own, keep herself entertained, etc. Yes, I know she is young, but I think the longer I wait the harder and harder it will be to help her learn these things. 

So I studied the "cry it out method." We have begun to ease our way into that, allowing her to cry in her crib when it is bed time. She resists! Boy does she resist. But every day she is getting better. Every evening I get a little more time to spend with my husband. She is learning to stay asleep for longer periods. 

Is it possible for children to become independent because the know we love them rather than because they think we don't?

Things I've Learned: Thrush

1. Prescriptions don't always work

2. Sugar intake of the mom makes a difference 

3. It hurts

4. The old ways are sometimes the best 

Over a month after we found it we are still fighting her thrush! We've given in to trying Gentian Violet (hesitating only because of the purple mess) and it seems to be working. I hope we're almost done with it!

A Wonderful Day

This Easter Eve has been an incredible day :) More than once I thought it couldn't get any better and each time it did. I love my family!!

One Hand

It's amazing what things you can learn to do one handed! I learned this yesterday as I did dishes with one. The only real way to guarantee things done is to master that skill! 

Sometimes the carrier works, but sometimes it doesn't (which is quite often for me) and in the past I have let those days be lazy days. 

I want to change that though, so I am going to work on adapting the way I do things, whether it be washing dishes one handed or carrying my baby in the laundry. Things will get done! 

It's the Sleep!!

So on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being fussy beyond all imagination my baby ranges between 7-9. Sometimes this has been due to gas pains and hunger but sometimes she just seems straight up angry. Maybe she wanted more time in heaven? My dad keeps saying she left her true love up there :)

Anyway! This week I have been trying an experiment. I was too tired Tuesday to wake up, so when Sheldon got up at 6:00 along with Adelina I was determined to go back to sleep. 

So, just like any other responsible mother would do, I got Adelina latched on, laid my head on the pillow and went back to sleep. We woke up at 10 and SHE WAS SO HAPPY!! 

So I tried this again and have been doing so all week. People. She has been a wonderful and fun baby! She smiles all day now!

Perhaps all this time she just needed some sleep. 

Feelings

I have had the wonderful opportunity of spending time with my family and in laws this last week. I went in seek of help. Help to find my mind again (certain I had lost it weeks ago), help to learn better ways to mother, help in keeping my little girl entertained.

I think I found what I was looking for! Although, my mind still my be lost...

During this week I learned a lot of things that I did not go to learn however. One of those things came to me after a particularly difficult episode with my little one. She was inconsolable and so we laid her in a safe place to cry while we ate a quick dinner. When I went back to pick her up she had tears. My little one cries a lot but this time she wasn't just crying, she had a tear halfway down her cheek and it broke my heart. 

I could literally and physically feel my heart breaking because my baby was so sad. There have only been a couple of times in my life when I had felt that before. 

That was when I realized, when I made the choice to be a mom I signed up (unknowingly) for an increased ability to feel. I felt that sorrow so acutely that it physically hurt. I feel so much joy when she is happy that I can't contain laughter.

This whole parent thing is truly incredible. I am grateful for the lessons I get to learn along the way! 

Thrush

My baby's got thrush. It was just barely there when the doctor pointed it out and now 10 DAYS after giving her medicine (Nystatin) it is worse than ever. On top of that I think I got it too :( Actually I know. It stings like it did when I just started breastfeeding. 

On a funnier note: she has this funny thing she does when she is asleep or falling asleep. She rubs her nose back and forth over and over until she gets comfortable which is usually smashed against my arm somehow :) 

What a doll. If only I could get this nasty yeast infection to leave us alone. 

My Angel

She woke up happy!!!

And she stayed that way for at least an hour only to be interrupted by a messy diaper. Once that was resolved she went back to being an angel! 

 I'm still not sure what we did to deserve this but I am so very happy to see my little one happy.

Perhaps she'll grow out of it after all. 

Bad Mom

You know all those times growing up when you calmed a baby by yourself or had fun playing toys with them or helped teach them to be good and some one told you that "you'll be such a good mom when you grow up!"

Good mom? Bad mom? Who's the judge??

Sometimes I feel like a bad mom: I eat something that gives my baby gas and she cries, I let her over eat and she spits up and cries, I can't get her to eat, I can't get her to sleep, etc. 

Or! When I do things that others deem as wrong: use media to entertain, feed her formula when I am trying to breastfeed exclusively, let her chew on my fingers, etc. 

Truth is, I've never been a mom and she's never been a baby. And while other people have more experience and great ideas, my situation is so unique--everyone's is. We cannot compare our success as a parent to those around us,

Sometimes it seems like all I want is to make her happy.  

If only that were simple :) 

Blank Tape

During an interview with a church leader he mentioned: 

"It doesn't take long before you realize they don't come as blank tapes."

I always knew that I suppose, but every now and then when I look in her eyes I KNOW it's true. 

This is a beautiful human being I am dealing with! She is curious and knows things and likes things and dislikes other things.

I love that each day I get to know her just a little bit more :) 

Real Life

It's been a rough one. More than once today my sweet angel screamed inconsolably--she wouldn't even eat. 

Most thankfully I have never even thought for a second of hurting her, it isn't her fault. 

However I realized today that I have thoughts that hurt me and my husband. Not all hurting is physical.

After so much fussiness my nerves are shot (I sound like Mrs Bennett) and I get so frustrated at little things. Unfortunately my poor husband has to put up with not only a screaming child but an extremely irritable mama that doesn't say much of anything nice. 

I am so glad tomorrow is Sunday. 

Small Miracles

So I decided to write today because of a miracle, or perhaps a couple miracles.

I woke up this morning at 4:55 AM in pain because I hadn't fed her. She was still asleep!!  That was the first miracle, the next was that I was in pain.

I have had quite a hard time producing enough milk to keep my baby happy. Thankfully she is growing so I know its OK but I know sometimes she wants more than I have. I got a great and very expensive pump knowing that I would be going back to school in a few months and that my babe would need food but have previously only been able to pump .5 oz at a time.

I have tried over and over and over to get more than that and had only succeeded once in pumping about .75 oz. This morning I pumped 2.5 oz!!! YAY!!! And all this time I thought the pump had a problem (I still think it might).

So, maybe that's TMI, but I was so excited that I couldn't get back to sleep. And I couldn't wait to tell my husband so yes, I woke him up too.

And after all of that my baby was still sound asleep in her bed. 6 hours after I put her down.

She didn't wake up for another hour. 

New Beginnings

And so I have returned three years later to my trusty blog! So much has happened but I'll make this short, I have things to write:

• Mission to Jacksonville 
• sickness brought me home just at the right time to:
• Wed my true love
• Pursued my life long dream of hair school while pursuing my other dream of motherhood
• First attempt ended abruptly in a horrific accident that I will think about every day for the rest of my life
• Number two came 11 months and two days later with a pair of incredibly strong lungs and a whole slew of adventures I never faced before. 

Her name is Adelina