Number Nine:: April 2012

I had a couple trials in my life that I can just plainly see that I am a better person because of them. One in particular happened the summer before my senior year. This indescribable wave of depression hit me, hard. For days, I only felt pain. I only felt a sadness that would not go away. I was smart enough to count my blessings and pray for help to be happy, but nothing seemed to work. I cried enough tears in those two weeks to supply my whole town with drinking water. Everything brought tears. I felt as though I were drowning in an ocean of sorrow. There was no way up.

In another incident, I recall being physically suffocated. I had Strep so bad that I could not eat or drink for three days. Just trying to drink a tiny bit of water made me cry- which hurt worse. My voice was strained because I couldn’t get very much air between my tonsils which had grown to the size of a golf ball. That too brought many tears. I love food! Skipping one or two meals was hard enough.

In both incidents I learned important lessons. When I experienced that random phase of depression, I learned mostly empathy. I have never once looked down upon the clinically depressed or suicide victims ever since. I can now understand how a person can live a life full of blessings, and still not be happy. When depression is real, it is real and it cannot be pushed off very easily.

When I had Strep, I learned to appreciate the things I was given. I was so grateful for the doctor who gave me steroids so I could breath again. I was grateful for food! And for a throat that could swallow. I was grateful for my mother. I was grateful for the Holy Ghost and the comfort it brought me. I was grateful for my dog. I took a nap once, before I was on steroids, and I was woken up when my dog licked me in my mouth. Yes, that sounds absolutely disgusting, but I cannot help but wonder what would have happened if she hadn’t. Could I have stopped breathing? My throat was so swollen, could my subconscious not get enough air to support my sick and underfed body? My fever was raging, my mouth was dry. I will forever be grateful for that disgusting miracle performed by my dog.

I have never told anyone that story, and I cannot be sure why. Perhaps it is because it is disgusting. Maybe it is because I don’t think anyone will believe me, or they think that I am being too dramatic. Who knows, I could be making it all up. But I do believe, with all my heart that Sadie saved my life that day.